My Feelings at T Minus 36 Hours

Hey there! Yes, t minus 36 hours. No, I'm not joking. Today has been the first time I've really let myself get a little bit nervous. Before, I've been able to just push it from my mind and focus on other things that are more immediate. For the sake of transparency and so I can look back and marvel at how God has taken care of things, I thought I'd share some of my thoughts.

Things I'm nervous/uneasy about...

-I'm nervous about my surgery. You may or may not remember, but when I had my c-section with C, my spinal block didn't take and I had to be put completely under. I don't remember anything about her birth. Because I had to be put under general anesthesia, R wasn't able to be in the room when C was born. The general anesthesia also made me really nauseous afterward. As much as I want to be awake when they are born and as much as I want R to be in there when they are born, I'm just nervous about it. I can't really put my finger on why, but I know I am. I think I'm afraid that I'll start to "feel it" halfway through or something. I know that is silly! I love my doctor and know he'll do a great job--even though he's a Longhorn and may sing "The Eyes of Texas" to the boys as he pulls them out!

-Nervous isn't the right word for this, but I'm anxious or dreading the hormonal onslaught that is inevitable after giving birth. There are SO many feelings--some rational and many irrational. You feel a deep love for the new life but you are also dealing with pain and the regulation of bodily functions. You are overwhelmed by the the love and care of family and friends. You are overwhelmed that you've just been given the responsibility of a child, or in our case, children.

-I'm a little nervous about C and how she'll deal with all of this change and newness. My mom asked me earlier, though, how I felt when my little brother was born when I was almost two. I immediately said, "I don't even remember when he was born!" She said, "Exactly!" I know C will be fine. She is my #1 girl and always will be. I love that!! I won't be able to pick her up and love on her for several weeks, but I hope we'll have plenty of time for snuggling without her being sad that I can't pick her up. Thankfully she has REALLY taken to R the past few weeks which is a huge blessing!

-I'm a smidge nervous about feeding these boys. My goal is for them to get the colostrum initially and then for me to pump once my milk comes in, but I only plan to do that for a week or so. Breastfeeding did not work with C and I put WAY too much pressure on myself to make it work. I'm going into this with a much better mentality, but hormones do have a tendency to cloud things in "the moment". How am I going to nurse both of them at first? I mean I know there are two "hook-ups", but I don't think I'm cool or coordinated enough to do both of them at once. Hopefully the lactation consultant will be supportive of my wishes and will be helpful in getting the boys a weeks worth of colostrum and breast milk.

Things I'm BEYOND excited about...

-I can't wait to see these boys!! At last Friday's sonogram, we got a good shot of Reid and I'll be dog-goned if the little guy doesn't look exactly like his big sister!! I should probably just accept the fact that I'm going to get three kids who look exactly like their father! :) Good thing he is handsome! We were also told that both boys have HAIR! I can't wait to see if it is dark or light or curly or straight.

-I'm SO excited to give my husband TWO sons! It has been no secret that we really only "planned" to have two children. God knew that if He didn't give us two at one time on this go-round that we'd have our two and be done. My husband is an amazing daddy and nothing thrills me more than to give him two sons! He loves his baby girl (of course!) but I know he'll revel in his role as the daddy of boys!

-I am thrilled that this isn't our "first rodeo"! Yes, it is our first time to do two at once, but we've got some tricks up our sleeves and won't panic as much with every little thing. I feel so much more relaxed about bringing Reid and Chase home and making them a part of our family. We've actually got an idea of what we're doing this time. I mean, we aren't completely clueless! I guess what I'm saying is that everything was an "unknown" last time. The "knowns" outnumber the "unknowns" this go-round and that puts my mind at ease!

So those are the thoughts floating around in my head this evening. This was our last "normal" evening at home as a family of 3 since tomorrow night C will be with R's parents! C and I spent a good hour outside this afternoon playing on the playground, digging in the sand, and watching airplanes fly over the house. I cooked one of our favorite family dinners and everyone ate well. C was extremely tired when we put her to bed, but I enjoyed listening to her "sing" herself to sleep. My mom will be here in the morning to spend the day with me. It will be SO nice to have her company! We're going to get mani/pedis, eat lunch, and run any last minute errands. I think R and I may go out on a dinner date tomorrow evening. We have to be at the hospital at 5:30 a.m. on Thursday morning, so sleep tomorrow night may be a little sketchy. I know we'll both be pumping with nerves and adrenaline! The surgery is scheduled to begin around 7:30 on Thursday morning, so any prayers around that time will be appreciated!