Isaiah 55:8-11
8 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD.
9 "As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.
10 As the rain and the snow
come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,
11 so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.
About 8-9 months ago, R and I talked about the possibility of adding another member to our family. We talked about C and the new sibling being about 2 years apart. We talked about C “graduating” from Nana’s just in time for a new sibling to take her spot. We talked about the challenges of having two young children, but we also talked about the joys. In my mind, it was something we could handle. Childcare wouldn’t be a problem. Money would be tight (isn’t it always?) but we’d make it work. My 80% work schedule would allow me to spend every other Friday with one of our children. One Friday would be special time with C and the next would be special time with the new sibling. We’d be able to keep driving my Accord and R could keep driving his truck. We’d be snug in our house, but we’d fit just fine. We’d be able to start a second 403(b) college savings account for the new sibling and continue contributing to C’s monthly. I have two hands, so in my mind I would be able to manage having two children. I had it ALL figured out.
And friends, I am here to admit to you all that I don’t have ANYTHING figured out at this point. With the news that God has decided to bless our family with twins, my “plans” have been completely obliterated. Nana doesn’t have two infant spots available for the twins, so that puts us back at square one for finding childcare. Do we look for a nanny? How does one go about looking for a nanny? We knew money would be tight when we added one child. I have no concept of how we’re going to make things work when we add two children. With both of us working, money will be tight. If one of us was to stop working, we wouldn’t be able to buy diapers or pay for insurance. The college savings accounts are going to have to be put on hold. That’s for sure. You all know that R’s truck has gone bye-bye and we are now minivan owners. Our once small-seeming house seems even smaller, and yet, we don’t have the option of moving at this point. The plan to spend every other Friday with one sibling isn’t really going to work now. And the whole idea about me having two hands for two kids is laughable now that there will be a total of three children and I still only have two hands.
How will I be able to give the boys all the attention they need while giving my precious C all the attention she needs while still maintaining my marriage and giving R the consideration and attention he needs and deserves? How will I maintain the friendships that have become so important to me when I’m spending so much time in survival mode? Will my friends think I’ve fallen off the face of the earth? And then we get to the practical concerns…How will I keep all of us fed and clothed? How will I juggle it all? HOW?
Everyone says, “Oh don’t worry! Everything will work out!” Someone said to me the other day, “Oh, Corrie, where’s your faith?” I think that was supposed to make me feel better. She didn’t realize that many mornings it takes all the faith I can muster to even get up and face the day. But then I have to remember what faith is. It is the confident assurance that what we hope for is going to happen. It is the evidence of things not seen. That is from Hebrews 11:1. I memorized that verse in college and it has applied so well in so many circumstances.
I have no doubt that God knows and can fully handle all of these questions and concerns. He just doesn’t seem to want to let me in on how exactly He’s planning on doing that. I suppose He wants to receive the praise when everything DOES in fact work out and none of us are going hungry or going without diapers. He wants me to know that He is the one who will orchestrate the childcare conundrum. He wants me to know and to trust that He will use me to give each of my children what they need and that He will sustain my marriage and friendship with R in the midst of chaos. He wants me to see that He’s painting this picture, and I’m merely a color on the canvas. He’s not going to reveal the grand picture until He’s good and ready. He doesn’t want me taking the credit for ANY of the masterpiece I’m certain He’s painting.
I wish so much I could give you a great big HUG! Knowing how good and loving our God is, and having faith in His promises doesn't mean you shouldn't ever feel scared, or overwhelmed or frustrated. Sweet girl, there is a LOT to work out, but it will definitely work out... just take it one step at a time. Hugs, Hugs, Hugs.
ReplyDeletesweet corrie---oh how i understand completely what you are feeling. your concerns are SO VALID! if it makes you feel ANY better---joe and i went from an equally double income with a family of 2---to supporting a family of 6 on 50% of our total income! talk about scary! FREAKING scary!!! but GOD provided...he always does. i have no idea how we are still in the same house, or how i have enough money to keep my kids well fed and healthy---but it works out. i promise.
ReplyDeleteand i have LOTS of tips for keeping your marriage alive and healthy--in the midst of a BILLION kids residing in your house! lol. please don't ever hesitate to email me and i would LOVE to lend some encouragement. you are going to get through this! (after the first 4 months of bringing the little dears home--life gets SO much easier!) hang in there and know that tons of people are praying for you and loving you...more than you know!!!!
I can't say I've been exactly where you are. But when I read through some of your fears, I found myself just nodding away. :-)
ReplyDeleteI had a brand new two year old, a 5 month old, and a positive pregnancy test. I feel your fears, though in a slightly different way.
I'll be honest with you, I had just come out of survival mode when I got pregnant, and I quickly went right back into survival mode (we found out a few months later that I had severe post partum depression, which was accelerated by the pregnancy). I think I stayed in survival mode for almost 2 years!
Here's your hope. No matter what you face, no matter how hard it gets, no matter how long it is, no matter what.... you will make it! There are going to be really tough days, but be encouraged that you are strong, you are a great wife and mother, and you will make it!
On the practical side, planning my brains out, keeping organized, and knowing what was happening from one day to the next really helped me.
Hang in there!
Corrie, I think we are a LOT alike. I will be interceding on your behalf, my friend.
ReplyDeleteMy sweet friend, I don't think you were complaining at all; I think you have very VALID concerns, and although I've never experienced your exact feelings, I think our circumstances are more similar than different in so many ways. I have no idea how I'm going to handle any of the things we are facing in our future (procedures/no procedures, money to pay for said procedures, the possibility of never having children of our own, not knowing where God is going with any of this, thinking I had it ALL figured out to find out I really had NO control whatsoever, etc...). My mom always says, "This too shall pass," and it will.
ReplyDeleteAlthough you might not feel it, you are one of the strongest people I know and one of the things I've admired about you is that you stick to your guns and never back down when it comes to what you feel is important. You will do that in this situation, too.
And know that any of your friends and family would drop EVERYTHING and come help you if you ever needed it, at any time! That's the truth, my friend...really, it is!
I love you, and although we are different places in our lives, isn't God amazing that we can reach out to one another through Him?
He is good ALL the time...when you STILL have two hands, when you aren't putting money into a savings account, when all 3 kids want your attention at once, when you need a date with your hubby, when you find the PERFECT place for the twins to go while your'e working...ALL the time!
My very favorite scripture that I turn to over and over is Isaiah 40:28-31. It's kind of long, but I thought I would post it anyway...(my paraphrasing in parentheses).
28 Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary, (even when you are)
and his understanding no one can fathom.
29 He gives strength to the weary (those with 3 children under 4)
and increases the power of the weak (those with only 2 hands)
30 Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
31 but those who hope in the LORD (that's YOU)
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.
I am PRAYING for all of you and your family; you mean more to me than I could ever say!
xxoo
Corrie,
ReplyDeleteYou have such amazing friends with wonderful words of wisdom. As I shared in our phone conversation this evening.....these have been my thoughts of late: Our Heavenly Father, in his infinate wisdom, formed R and C and has a wonderful plan for them. All of the details that we worry about are already planned for and taken care of. I LOVE YOU ALL!
hi, i'm a new reader, and at this point, i can't really remember how i found your blog, but i've been enjoying it. my experiences are different...but the same in that it was hard to wrap my mind around the "how is this going to work" part of adding to our family. this is going to sound like it's coming out of left field, but CLOTH DIAPERS...yep, those old school diapers have come a long way. after on initial investment (that can be painful depending on the type and brand of diaper you choose), you're done buying diapers for a looonggg time. i'm a total cheapskate, and i found some really nice pocket all-in-one/one-size diapers on myuseddiapers.com...in the other section. and yeah, it sounds GROSS to buy used cloth diapers, but i'm cheap, remember. much to my (pleasant) surprise, my diapers showed up new-in-package. they're an off brand and maybe not as "cute" as some of the name brand cloth diapers, but they work. my son never leaks. they're easy to wash. and, did i mention i haven't bought diapers in a loooonnnnggg time. i haven't bought them since april. in fact, it's been so long that my son is just about to outgrow the last size i bought.
ReplyDeletegood luck to you!
Hi Corrie,
ReplyDeleteYou don't know me but I found your blog through a friends blog and like to read it because your family seems so sweet and you are such a positive person. I want you to know that God used you to encourage me through your post.
My husband and I are facing some really trying times right now and are having to wait on lots of big things. They seem so big that sometimes we don't know how to get up out of bed and face the day either. I want you to know that you are not alone in the great amount of trust that you are having to put in God right now. Although my situation is different from yours I am asking God the same things, "how in the world are you going to make this all work out?" It seems like more than I can handle. I know from past ways He has blessed us in our life and marriage that He has more in store for our lives than we can even fathom. Although I don't understand the waiting or how things could possibly work out I know that His plan is more perfect than mine and that He loves and cares for me deeply. Things have to be this way because it is part of His plan, not mine. I wanted to share a verse with you that has really helped me lately.
"For I know the plans I have for you declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope.
Then you will call upon Me and come pray to Me and I will listen to you.
You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me will all your heart."
Jeremiah 29:11-13
Your verse really helped me as well as your beautiful heart felt post.
Thank you.
Tara
If you didn't have these concerns I'd be concerned! Perfectly normal and expected feelings expressed in a very healthy way! Just keep on processing. We are all here to listen to you and pray for you.
ReplyDeleteI whole heartedly believe that if anyone can do it....YOU can and WILL! I know God has an amazing story awaiting you but understand your nervousness.
ReplyDeleteI think I was scared to death with just having one second child on the way and feared Adalie would be left out, etc. But you realize those newborn difficult times only last so long...and see that your oldest child doesn't miss out at all but is strengthened by becoming a big sister.
I'll be praying for you all and appreciate your honest sincere heartfelt blog post!
Corrie, thanks so much for your honesty. I can't tell you how many nights I have wondered "...and we are going to do this how?!?!" Because of Adam's insane work schedule at the church (he works at least 3 nights a week) I have no choice but to quit my job. When we thought there was one baby we planned on me trying to work, but with two, it is just not possible for us. I am hoping to work until January, but of course there's no telling if that will be physically possible or not. The financial burden seems great and I constantly battle worry about it..about feeding them...about giving them enough attention...about loving Adam and keeping our relationship thriving and healthy. I truly cannot wrap my mind around it.
ReplyDeleteI am comforted by the passages in the Old Testament when God says "I AM." When I am freaking out and can't stop worrying, I fill in the blank with "I am" and whatever it is that concerns me.
I AM...your provider.
I AM...your sustainer.
I AM...your comfort.
I AM...your answer.
Ultimately, I know that I can't do this. But He can. And He will. And quite frankly, I'm excited to see how He's going to do it! :)
I feel ya sister and I am praying for you!